> THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40
>
> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
> 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
> 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
> 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
> 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
> 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
> 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
> 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
> 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
> 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
> 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
> 15. You sing along with elevator music.
> 16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
> 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
> 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
> 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
> 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
> 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
>
>
> Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
>
> 1. Sag, You're It
> 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
> 3. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
> 4. Kick the Bucket
> 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
> 6. Doc, Doc, Goose
> 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
> 8. Hide and Go Pee
> 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
> 10. Musical Recliners
>
>
> Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
>
> 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
> 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter - Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
> 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
> 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
> 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
> 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
>
> Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR...
> "OLD" IS WHEN.....
> * Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love, "and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
> * Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
> * A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
> * Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
> * You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
> * You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
> * "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
> * "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
> * An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
>
