> Dear Employee:
>
> As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
>
> Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
>
> This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
>
> SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
>
> SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
>
> This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
>
> Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
>
> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
>
> As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
>
> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
>
> Special High Intensity Training (sh**). We take pride in the amount of sh** our employees receive. We have given our employees more sh** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough sh** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
>
> Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the sh** you can stand.
>
> And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Former employees, is this them or what??
