At first, god was god. Then one day he made everything. I guess he made himself first, but I’m a little hazy on that point. Anyway, then he made a man from some dirt and water. God made the man look like himself, because he didn’t have any other specifications. Then he made a woman from one of the man’s ribs. The man didn’t miss his rib because it was a spare rib. Then there was a snake, a talking donkey, and an apple tree, but that’s just too silly to even talk about. Then the man and woman, who god made to look a little bit different from the man so the man would like her, had a bunch of kids, who had kids, who had kids, and so on until the world was full of people. God also made some animals and plants and other stuff, but I don’t know where he got the specs for those. Then god got angry for some reason and made a huge rainstorm that drowned everything, except for a few people and animals that were wandering around the local area that he put on a big raft built by some 600-year-old guy. Honest! That’s what Christians really believe! Then all the water went away somewhere and the world got repopulated with a fresh batch of people and animals from the big raft. I don’t know how the kangaroos, koalas, polar bears and penguins were handled, but that’s not important. The dinosaurs must have been a special problem, too.
Then god got lonely so he decided to impregnate some woman he spotted kicking hooves at a used-camel lot. But he missed and instead nailed a young girl named Mary who just happened to be walking by. That’s why it’s called the inaccurate conception. So Mary married a guy named Joe to cover for her pregnancy and Jesus (at least that’s what we call him now) was born. Three wise guys came and brought some loot, but I don’t know why. Bribery, maybe. Jesus, who is also god himself (don’t ask me how that works), then does a bunch of magic tricks to impress people and also builds stuff out of lumber. And he makes a lot of speeches which were really pretty good. Jesus then arranges to get himself tortured, killed, and raised from the dead after three days to sit somewhere with his father, who is also himself (I think). There's also a ghost with holes in it that gets involved somehow. The father and son (who somehow are one and the same, I think) invite this ghost to join them. That was about 2000 years ago, and since then none of these three wackos have been seen or heard from. But Jesus is supposed to show up any day now and rapturize people, so we all have to behave ourselves.
And that's Christianity for dummies. It has to be, they're the only ones that would believe it!