I also was abused as a child. (physically, not sexually also) When I was about 5 years old my dad thought that I was too old to be beaten with a belt, so he started using his closed fist, often to the point that I was rendered unconsious.
But I am confused about something, you said:
...If some body ever ask me why I am how I am go figure...
What do you mean by that? How are you? Are you bitter? Did you turn to drugs or alcohol? Do you have a problem with anger? And is it your dads fault you are who you are?
I hated my dad much of my life, and into adulthood.
I tried my whole life to live up to his expectations, as probably all abused children do.
One time he actually took out his service pistol and put it to my head, and said that I wasn't worth "wasting" a bullet on.
Then came a day when I realized that I am now a man, and can no longer hold my dad accountable for who I am.
(blaming him for my alcohol and drug abuse)
The turning point came when he was on his death bed. I was with my girlfriend,(who is now my wife) I was living a sober life, had a decent job, being responsible and living a life that I "assumed" that he could finally approve. I asked him, now that his life was nearly over, if he could finally accept me for who I am.
His answer was flat out, "NO" (I knew what the answer was going to be)
I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way, but I really didn't care.
I told him that I was happy with my life, and so was my girlfriend, (now my wife) and that I believed that my life was also pleasing to the Lord and that if I couldn't live up to his expectations, that I really don't care.(I actually said that out of resentment. I guess what I really meant was, "Who cares. Just die and go to Hell")
I walked away and never had a chance to speak to him again.
My girlfriend continued to talk to him telling him how much a loving and responsible person I have become, only for him to go on and on about me quitting school and going to jail and all the drugs and alcohol that I used, telling her, "You will find out someday."
So she asked him, "If he were ever to do all the things you would like to see him do, and become who you would have liked him to be, could you give him a hug and tell him that you love him?"
the answer again, a flat out "NO".
Those words changed my life. I realized that there was NOTHING that I could do, or could have done to gain his approval. It was not ME that was responsible for who he was.
I also came to realize that I coud not hold him responsible for who I am just the same.
I can use my experience to make be bitter, or make me better. It is my choice. I choose to let it make me better.
When we are children our parents make us who we are, but when we grow up we are accountable for ourselves and can no longer "blame" our parents. How we decide to handle life is completely up to us and we have no one but ourselves to blame or to give credit.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
1 Corinthians 13:11
