How many jokes are put on here with NO source??? Most people can tell hahaha. But thanks. I will try to remember people. Hey, I have written stuff though. Some of you have read one. I haven't posted all things. Maybe I will start to post some of them. Hey.........I can be funny! Sometimes.........ok maybe not..........but really. Ok you talked me into it........I will post this ONE more time. It isn't my funniest stuff. You would have to catch me after 2 or 3 tequilas for my funny stuff and a lot of the things I write are on my other computer. Bored when I am on the road so I write the funny things I see. I am not all asshole like in the political section.
Fire ants............Yes I said fire ants! I really have to learn where these suckers live. I thought I did. You know a big dirt mound with a bunch of little red spawns of satan running around? And I have been lucky before spotting them but, they are much craftier than I originally thought. So in an effort to launch a stealth attack on the unsuspecting Dougie Fresh, they now put their nests under camouflage so they might catch me off guard. Oh yea it is all about me.
I am pretty smart and there is no way they can fool me. They are just ants for crying out loud. Who knew that would be literal? Well their little ruse worked......this time. Oh usually you will find them in the open with a big neon sign and an arrow pointing the way down on the mound of dirt they have neatly piled about the opening to the hell they call home. This is all just a ploy to throw me off guard. It is hell for the rest of us if we get caught without noticing. But hey if you miss the "bridge out" sign, who's fault is that?
Most of the time those little bastards don't even have the courtesy to give a warning. Even a rattler will rattle when you are getting too close. But not these evil devil spawns. They do this for a reason. A reason that will be revealed soon enough.
This time, their nest is in the grass under a tree and there is no giant mound to mark it. There is no neon sign. They are clearly violating ant union rules and I am going to have to report them.
It is Phoenix.....you know Arizona. There I am just doing my job. I’m a cable guy. I pull the lid off of the pedestal and set it down. I sit on it. Next to the amp ped is an electrical transformer. The location is peaceful and quiet. Too quiet. There are some small shade trees with sparse grass underneath it. Remember, no mound of ants in view. No neon sign. I am sitting on the ped lid opening the amp and setting it out.
Meanwhile the silent, little, 6 legged demons have been disturbed by my presence. Oh sure maybe I sat the lid on their precious little opening or made too much vibration. Not good enough of an excuse to launch this type of a sneak attack. Not in my opinion anyway. And if they had turned on the sign I wouldn’t have disturbed them.
In the past, when in these situations, I noticed them as they were crawling up my shoes and legs. I then would do my Crazy Dance of Insanity as I was frantically trying to wipe them off of me. They love watching us do the Crazy Dance of Insanity. It literally drives us insane..........some people permanently.
Sometimes I am in shorts. My bare legs leading up my shorts to ....you know where. And in the past, I have slowly noticed this rude and sneaky activity by the hideous creatures. Well there was no way they were going there without some psychotic screaming or crying at least. I have a torch. HA! I will burn those imps out of existence but common sense finally kicked in before I torched myself in Happy Town.
While I was getting ready to lose all composure, I was caught un-aware as they were crawling up the pedestal lid behind me. On to my shorts and t-shirt. I can just hear them snickering....."He still doesn't know we're here hehehe"....Boy is he going to be pissed" ....."You know, he is going to kill some of us when we attack." "Yea but, it'll be worth it to watch him do the Crazy Dance of Insanity." "They'll be talking about it for generations."
As they silently and un-noticed, crept up my shirt to my neck, then to the entrance of "Happy Town" frontal attack was being formed as a diversion. Oh yes, they do think this way. "You guys go around the front and get his attention while we get under his shirt and on his neck." "When he tries to get you off of his legs, like before, we will bite and sting him on his back, arms and neck. Then, while he is trying to wipe us off, you can get him on his legs." Silently they laughed, almost uncontrollably. The anticipation of seeing "The Dance...." was just too much for some of them. Yet, I couldn't hear them.
They are quite smart actually. Little bastards. There were so many it was almost inconceivable. And they were on my back, legs, arms, hands, neck and in my hair. They were so stealthy it was surreal. Without warning they attacked. I saw or felt them, rather, on my legs but it was too late. They had already set up the attack. There was a loud “ATTACK”. I think I actually heard one of them, probably their commander, yell it and they started biting and stinging. A lot!
It was just like one of those movies you see where the guy that just goes nuts and runs around in a circle and tears his shirt off all the while wiping his body wherever there might be any of the little terrorists. I started to grab the torch again and thought..........." NOT a good idea"
Where the hell is the lake when you need it????. No lake and there I am doing the Crazy Dance of Insanity. I was frantically looking for a water hose while still in battle with the red little monsters and doing zig zags in the yard as though they couldn't hit me if I was serpentining.
Needless to say I was gifted with annoying little reminders, about 20 of them on various parts of my body, legs, hands and face, to let me know they had visited me. For a week or 2, I had fond memories of the Crazy Dance of Insanity.
Re: life in Alaska
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