Washington D.C. gift shop owners said Monday that Barack Obama commemorative souvenirs are not selling. The only item that's selling is a Christmas tree ornament with Barack Obama's face on it. People who love Obama say it's a chance to honor their savior and people who hate Obama say it's a chance to hang him from a tree and not get caught.
President Obama decided to skip Monday's celebration of the fall of the Berlin Wall. He's going to China instead. You only get a visit from Barack Obama if you buy U.S. bonds, run for re-election in New Jersey, or need an extra guy to make a foursome.
Hurricane Ida began approaching the Gulf Coast Monday. Everyone is bracing for the destruction. The governors mobilized the National Guard, the people packed sandbags and President Obama called for multicultural understanding of wind and water.
Major Nidal Malik Hasan was revealed Monday to have contacted Al-Qaeda before he killed thirteen U.S. soldiers and wounded dozens at Fort Hood Thursday. He jumped on a desk, shouted Allah Akbar and opened fire. The FBI is still looking for a motive.
Sgt. Kimberly Munley ended Major Hasan's Fort Hood rampage Thursday. She faced him and shot him four times as he shot her in the leg. She's buying a display case for the Medal of Valor and retaining a defense lawyer for the hate crimes prosecution.
President Obama went on radio Saturday and asked for multicultural understanding after the Fort Hood shooting rampage by Major Nidal Malik Hasan. The president urged Americans not to express hostility towards Muslims. Until the misunderstanding was straightened out, U.S. troops in Afghanistan spent eight hours attacking the French.
President Obama taped a speech to show to the crowd at the Berlin Wall gala Monday. He reminded the viewing audience he too made history as the first black president. The earth wobbled on its axis from the gravitational pull of three billion people rolling their eyes simultaneously.
Sesame Street celebrated its fortieth anniversary on PBS Tuesday with Michelle Obama guest-starring. You can tell the children's show is funded with money from the government. The villain in every sketch is a soldier puppet named Private Enterprise.
The Minnesota Vikings with Brett Favre entered November as the NFL's number-one draw in TV ratings. He's a white Southern cotton farmer from Mississippi and his television ratings go up every week. President Obama's starting to take it personally.
Bill Clinton addressed Senate Democrats Tuesday at their weekly caucus meeting. He was asked to answer questions about the history of health care reform. The senators wanted to know where the lifeboats are located and where the iceberg was last spotted.
Heathrow Airport police arrested a United pilot for trying to fly while drunk from London to Chicago. He could have killed everyone onboard. President Obama urged caution, saying we should not judge all drunks based on the actions of one pilot.
Fort Hood shooter Major Hasan's radical views came to light Monday. The FBI knew about him, the CIA knew about him, and the warning signs were everywhere. It didn't help when Barack Obama came to the memorial service and read My Pet Goat to the crowd.
Bill Clinton incensed health care reform opponents Tuesday by calling them tea baggers. Newspapers said tea bagger is a vulgar phrase referring to oral sex. For all he's taught us Bill Clinton should forever be known as the Education President.
- - Argus Hamilton
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions.
Remember that congressman, William Jefferson, who the FBI caught with $90,000 in bribe money in his freezer? Well, he was convicted of 11 counts of bribery and corruption and prosecutors asked for the harshest prison sentence ever handed down for a member of Congress. Something like 20 years. The congressman still maintains he did nothing wrong. He claims he just fell in with the wrong crowd. Congress. That's a bad crowd.
- - Leno
Yesterday former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill, and he told them to not make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.
It’s just been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan who’ll do the job for $5 an hour.
- - Conan
Tough economic news. The unemployment rate went above 10 percent for the first time since 1983. Last week economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week all of those economists were laid off.
In a speech yesterday, New York Gov. David Paterson said that New York will be broke by Christmas, unless it begins cutting jobs. New Yorkers were like “Good call — let’s start with the governor.”
President Obama said that he would be happy to travel to Copenhagen in December for the Global Climate Conference, if his presence would make a difference. And then the Olympic Committee was like, “Yeah, makes a huge difference."
Finally, former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer — who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes — will deliver a lecture tomorrow at Harvard’s Center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs 500 bucks for a half hour, 900 if you want to stay for the whole hour.
- - Jimmy Fallon
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