Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for mywife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sizedtazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, withno long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequatetime to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
WAY TOO COOL!
Longstory short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAAbatteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I wasdisappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button andpressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the bluearc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay,so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? ThereI sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood movingtarget. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction ofa second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if Iwas going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against amugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,and teaser in another.
Thedirections said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient yourassailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and amajor loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedlymake your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Anyburst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
Allthe while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loadedwith two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'nopossible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'msitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one sideas to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decidedto give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched theprongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then bodyslammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguelyrecall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in myeyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to befound, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,and tingling in my legs?
Thecat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to apicture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt toavoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room...
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a teaser,one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst whenyou zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it isdislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
Aminute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing atthat point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up andsurveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel ofthe fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so fromwhere it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nippleswere still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up withNovocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
ApparentlyI shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smellwas gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe camefrom my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering asignificant reward for their safe return!
p.s. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
