For fathers Rules for dating my daughter 1.If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because your sure as hell not picking anything up. 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them. 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the date, I will take my nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your waist. 4. I'm sure you've been told that in todays world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 5. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, hasbeen. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 6. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange psychosis starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no reason for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
This is CABL.com posting #251689. Tiny Link: cabl.co/mbdDF
