First of all....she has lost respect and confidence in you. not trying to knock you...i just know how you feel. you need to be the rooster, the man....the fricking bull. If it is too late, then you are fighting a battle that you cannot win. Trying to make her jealous with inviting another girl in your life will only make matters worse...especially in a divorce. If you feel that infidelity is in the mix....stalk her ass. See if she is with your boss if that is the case. Perhaps you should do some soul searching first..find out if maybe there is something about you that is pushing her away. This isnt something that happened over night, so it will take time to put the pieces together, but when you begin the investigation...you have to look as niave as a nun. Checking panties for crusty egg yolk...installing spyware on your pc....checking under the seats of your minivan...etc!
If it were me...and i found out my wife was screwing the boss.... i would be on FOX news...but thats just me. Dont F things up though. You have a kid to think about. You dont want to sit in the joint and go crazy thinking about how you could have done things different. This has obviously taken time to end up like this....so take a little time to plan out your next move...whatever it may me. For instance.....
Maybe you are looking into things a little too deep.....i went through a period of time with my wife (8 years but have been married now for 16) where we couldnt see eye to eye. Was my wife banging someone....no! It was my dumb ass....and for all you dumbasses that think 'yeah...right' believe me i know...i played a PI on the whole thing....and i think that part of my paranoia ate me up. When i stopped caring about impressing...shit started coming back around. For GODS sake, i would have went completly mid-evil if i found out different....and for those that know me...they would agree.
And if you do find out that she is running you down....dont go woodchipper on her ass......play dumb. For real......setup some cheap ass video cams that you can get on line...or pay the extra 20 bucks at radio shak to get it today...record her ass playing little miss muffet, and do something keen like send it off to her parents and grandparents.....or wait it out until christmas or some shit. Disolve her credibility and of course hook up your high dollar lawyer that will tear her ass to shreds...give you custody...get you fired from your lame ass job...but ineveitbly give you the satisfaction and piece of mind so that when you see her lame ass behind the local liquor store selling blow-pops....you can smile with glee! Unless you are totally lame ass and want to put an end to it all....well here are some cheap suggestions.....
How to kill yourself like a man!
What you need: a tub, enough beans to fill said tub.
How to do it: just dig in, you chunky son of a bitch! Keep eating until you can't possibly eat anymore, then eat some more. Your gut will rupture and you will shit yourself. The cool thing about this method is that it's not only disgusting to clean up, but you'll probably be so bloated from the beans (choose Van Camp's by the way, not Bush's baked beans unless you like the taste of beans pickled in ball sweat) that you probably won't fit in the casket without some serious reconstructive surgery. Guess who's footing the bill for that one? That's right: friends and family. Just kidding. You have no friends.
Strangle yourself:
Manliness: 9 Style: 4 Awesomeness: 4 Mess: 0
What you need: hands.
How to do it: strangling yourself with your own hands has long been thought impossible because when your body stops getting enough oxygen, you pass out and start breathing normally again. Passing out while you try to kill yourself is like failing at failing. You're the one who has to deal with the embarrassment of having the paramedics finding your dumb ass passed out on the floor in a puddle of your own drool, as they begrudgingly take you to the hospital where the doctors would be so disappointed that one of them might try to strangle you themselves. And if they don't, give me a call; I will. Even the late Vincent Price strangled himself to death. Either that or lung cancer, but I can't be bothered to look it up. Eat shit.
Hold your breath:
Manliness: 9 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 0
What you need: balls.
How to do it: this is similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is hard. Harder than a priest at a playground.
Step 1: Hold your breath.
Step 2: Wait 10 minutes, then go to step 3.
Step 3: If you are reading this, you have failed.
Razor blade:
Manliness: 5 Style: 2 Awesomeness: 8 Mess: 7
What you need: razor, neck.
How to do it: how many times have you tried to kill yourself with a razor blade by slashing up your wrists, only to be told "it's down the highway, not across the street"? Then you listen to this advice and cut up your arms like some amateur dipshit who doesn't know what she's doing. Your boyfriend dumped you. You can't go on because you're the only person who has ever been dumped and this is the most painful thing that has happened to anyone who has lived 14 consecutive years, so it's time for the solace only decapitation can bring you. Make sure to go all the way through the spinal column.
Cadbury surprise:
Manliness: 9 Style: 8 Awesomeness: 12 Mess: 8
What you need: ice cream scooper, cadbury eggs.
How to do it: spoon out your eyes with the ice cream scooper, and replace them with cadbury easter eggs. Then using any of the methods above, kill yourself. Your family may hate the suicide, but everyone loves cadbury cream eggs! Why disappoint your loved ones with plain old boring eyes, when you can surprise them with chocolate instead?! Try to do it around easter. The kids will have hours of fun trying to find the last two treats.
Headbutt the sidewalk:
Manliness: 10 Style: 3 Awesomeness: 10 Mess: 4
What you need: a sidewalk.
How to do it:
Step 1: Slam your head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.
Headbutting is probably the manliest thing ever. Not only is it useful for suicide, it's also a great way to break up with your girlfriend. For example, I couldn't find the words to tell my ex that our relationship was over, so one day while we were watching TV I headbutt her in the tits. Then I picked up my jacket and left. No awkward goodbyes, no "still friends" bullshit. Just a couple of bruised titties and a failed relationship. I rule.
Lick a hooker's ass:
Manliness: 0 Style: 1 Awesomeness: 1 Mess: 10
What you need: a hooker, $0.75.
How to do it: find a hooker and inquire about her "ass buffet." If she doesn't know what you're talking about, punch her. If she does know what you're talking about, she shouldn't charge you more than 75 cents to lick her ass. You may even get away with not having to pay her since technically it's not sex (unless you're gay, but I'm not sure if it counts if it's a woman). Fair warning: not paying a hooker is considered shoplifting. Once you've done the (mis)deed, you may want to have some alcohol nearby. Make sure it's something strong like turpentine, because you'll be tasting a mouth full of funk and hookers don't always shit properly depending on their clientele. The tingling feeling in your mouth means the disease is working. Just sit back and relax while your penis falls off and you break out in hives. Then just wait a few months and if the other diseases don't get to you first, the AIDS will. Talk about a cheap suicide! At 75 cents, you can't afford not to kill yourself!
That's it for now. Just remember: it's your suicide, have fun with it.
Personally, I think your claim is genuine....but you have to chose the path grasshopper. I am not a doctor, nor do i portray one on tv. You are the master of reality on this one. I hope i aided you with some sort of guidance....for Christs sake, dont kill yourself....that is too fricking gay, and she wins if you do....and we all know that That is just wrong.
God loves you and so do we!
Z
Re: What am I doing wrong?? Please explain..
Member #: 55995
Registered: 12/4/2007
Posted:
216
Occupation:
Cellular
Location:
NYC
Personal:
early 50s
Experience:
~31 years
There is 1 reply to this message
