CABL Forum - you may have seen this...tasers

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their
Anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the
taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pu shed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.&nbs p; But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way"!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it dipstick", reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my l eft arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A
three second burst would be considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading gla sses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet
or so from where it originally was My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over
the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it! "If you think education is difficult, try being stupid".

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you may have seen this...tasers