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To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
Reply to: (-REDACTED-) [?]Date:2009-01-06,
3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope
you somehow come across this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your
pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was
wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold
outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP
pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back
to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your
pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of
your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of
calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and
explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your
card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go
Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a
day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't
permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone
calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on
you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it
up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help
you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants.
What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to
apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home
humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.
Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and
laundry. Peace!
Re: Gun Control as Denny Crane see's it. (Boston L
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