Chili
Cook-Off
If you can read this
whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying
by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas .
Note: Please take
time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have
lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced
Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and
became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard
notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC
MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little
too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S
AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky,
with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS
BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty,
good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK
MAGIC
Judge # 1 -Black
bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S
LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty,
strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY
VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin
yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S
SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S
TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The
perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
For Those Who Didn't Read This The 1St Time
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