CABL Forum - My Wifes Present

> Subject: I bought my wife a Tazer gun
Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest.
This was to be for Christmas and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife. What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
>> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
>
>> term
>> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
> retreat to
>> safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I
> bought
>> the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA Batteries in the
> thing
>> and
>> pushed the button. fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however,
> that
>> if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
> same
>> time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
> the
>> prongs. Awesome!
>>
>> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is
> on
>> the face of her LG convection oven.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it
>> couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
> There I
>> sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
> soul,
>> while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
> to
>> try
>> this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
> thought
>> about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of
> it.
>> She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no
>
>> fury
>> like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
> wife
>> to
>> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would
>> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>>
>> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter
> Jersey,
>> with
>> my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions
>> in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst
>> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed
>> to
>> cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
>
>> burst
>> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
> out
>> of
>> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long,
>> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with
>> two
>> itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to
> one
>> side
>> as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a
> one-second
>> burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I
>> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
>> touched
>> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
>> @@@!!!!,
>> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm
>> pretty
>> sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up,
> body
>> slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed
> the
>> recliner over my head just for fun.
>>
>> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in
>> my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire,
>> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in
>> the
>> oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing
>
>> over
>> me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
>> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid
>> d00s!"
>>
>> Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
> as
>> a
>> one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of
> that
>> thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on
>> the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A
> minute
>> or
>> so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
> point), I
>> collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>> landscape.
>>
>> My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the
> mantel
>> of
>> the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and
> both
>> nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
> with
>> Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip
> must
>> have
>> weighed 88 lbs.
>>
>> By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew
> into my
>> body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear
>> signal
>> to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character
> felt
>> when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer
> a
>> significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience
> shrinkage
>> when I plug anything into the socket.
>>
>> So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test
> it,
>> take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....

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