This is an actual letter sent to Procter and Gamble from Wendi Aarons,
Austin , TX , regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak
GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite
feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads
be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting rig ht now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to
the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, pr i nted on the adhesive backing, were these
words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the
least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy"
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end our
life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong", or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Departm e nt that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Actual letter
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