Yoda Announces Candidacy for
President
Corruption, Incompetence and Boredom Listed as
Reasons
May 19, 2005
DAGOBAH (AP) - At an impromptu news conference held in front
of his hut, Yoda, the famed Jedi Master, formally announced he would seek the
Democratic nomination for the Presidency in 2008.
"Disbanded the Jedi Council young Skywalker has. Find new work I must," joked Master Yoda.
Master Yoda has hundreds of years of experience as a Jedi Master. Already, Master Yoda has received key endorsements from Senators Bail Organa (D-Alderaan) and Mon Mothma (D-Chandrila), who compared tactics the current Bush administration uses to undermine civil liberties to those of Emperor Palpatine.
"It's pretty clear that Master Yoda has begun articulating his message and
telling voters his views on a number of issues,'' said Master Obi-Wan Kenobi,
the media strategist for the Draft Yoda 2008 Committee. Kenobi said the Jedi
Master will be a formidable candidate.
"The Yoda Padawans are a group of Yoda's grassroots supporters who are ready to do whatever it takes to get the Jedi Master elected President of the United States," Kenobi said. "Once he gives the order, our team is ready to canvas the streets in New Hampshire and bang on doors in Iowa to help people understand that Master Yoda is about substance over style, a creature of integrity who will earn the respect of all Americans."
Master Yoda was sharp in his criticism of the Bush
Administration and Republican Congress.
"Bad for the environment they are, because money they make from corporations. Good for only the rich their economic policies are. Use fear and aggression for their advantage like the Sith they do."
Some politicians, however, have called Master Yoda's record into question. In response to Master Yoda's announcement, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) questioned Master Yoda's resolve. "First he decided the council would not train Anakin. Then he decided they would. It is clear that Master Yoda is a flip-flopper, and unfit to serve as President in the War on Terror," said Frist.
Former Ambassador Alan Keyes (R-???) declared Yoda is a "carpetbagger", claiming his lack of citizenship must preclude Yoda's candidacy. When asked to respond to the question of his origins, Master Yoda insisted he was born in the United States and will soon disclose his birth certificate, demonstrating he was born in the United States.
A 527 group calling itself "X-Wing Veterans for Truth" has made clear they will launch a campaign suggesting that Yoda has made phony accusations of war crimes upon the Clonetroopers and exaggerated claims about his own service in the Clone Wars. According to their spokesperson, John O'Neill, "Master Yoda fled to Dagobah at the time when he was needed most. What kind of war hero is that?"
Emperor Palpatine (R-Naboo), speaking from the soon-to-be completed
Death Star, declared, "George is a strong ally in the War on Terror. I've
got a good relationship with George. I have seen into George's soul and he
loves freedom as much as I do. I will endorse whichever candidate George
supports."
"Meesa believen dat da Preeseedent iss douween a muy muy good job," said Representative Jar Jar Binks (R-Naboo). "Weesa needen to stay da course. Da Al Kayda can attacken atta enny minute!"
In response to these criticisms, Master Yoda replied, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to Republicans.
"A grassroots campaign I will run. Tour the country I will. Share my message I must. Fix the problems facing America at home and abroad we all can."
Master Yoda says his campaign website will be up and running once he installs
WiFi in his Dagobah hut.
